I have crossed over to the promise land...

For the longest time I have always hated public washrooms. Just the thought of sharing something so sacred as a toilet with thousands of other people thoroughly disgusts me. At home you share a washroom with family members. People you can trust. Often you're sharing several washrooms with several family members. If there are any accidents in the washroom you can probably narrow it down to a select few people. Take for instance my home. If there is any pee-pee on the seats of the toilets, you could point fingers at either my dad or I. Easier to figure out the culprit of a crime if there's a small handful of suspects. People know they are accountable for their actions and they clean up appropriately.

Not the case with public washrooms. You're sharing toilets with hundreds, maybe thousands of people. People who don't have the same accountability because it isn't their washroom. They know a janitor will clean it up for them. I've walked into thousands of washrooms where people have missed the toilet so badly you would have thought Stevie Wonder had just used it. I apologize to any blind people who may be reading this and feel that they are unjustly singled out as people who lack washroom etiquette. I am merely making a crass analogy to better illustrate my point.

Today was one of those days where I needed to use the washroom badly after a good and bad meal at Burger King (I swear they put laxatives in burgers). I walked into the washroom next to my classroom where there is only 1 potty. Usually very clean. Not so today. Someone had left me a present on the throne. It looked like the guy had diarrhea but changed his mind after the first wave of the runs. I quickly raced out of there waving both arms in the air like I had just seen a ghost. I went down the hall to the next available washroom. Entered, almost certain that this one would be clean. Again only one toilet in the washroom. To my utter dismay, someone was again very kind in leaving me a nice little present in the toilet. This person looked like they had hershey kisses for lunch but wasn't able to digest them. Yummy (no more hershey kisses for me). I quickly left before anyone entered the washroom and thought that was my doing. I ran upstairs to the 3rd washroom in the area. A little apprehensive this time, I walked in like I was about to defuse a landmine. Guess what was waiting for me in the toilet? A landmine!! I wasn't about to diffuse it but I was about to curse like I've never cursed before. "Fuck!?!...Why god??...whyyyyyy?"

Mental Interlude

I began to think back at how many times I have encountered this situation. Never have I encountered 3 straight bathrooms being like this. Men are filthy I tell you. Have you ever seen our washrooms at a club? The sinks are cluttered with paper towels. The toilets have piss all over the seats. Occasionally you see a trail of shit on the seat like the turd was holding onto the edge and couldn't hold on any longer, sliding into the abyss. Filthy I tell you.

Women's bathrooms on the otherhand, I imagine is this immaculate place where the glow of the room nearly blinds your eyes. People have to walk in with shades to keep from going blind. The toilets glimmer like brand new porcelain. Like they have never seen feces in their entire lifetime. After the women finish the waste magically disappears down a beautiful waterfall where it lands in poo-poo heaven. The toilet paper is probably 10-ply and plush like the fur of a newborn polar bear. There is a nice lounge after you finish pooping where people discuss the wonderful experience they just had (after they wash their hands of course). I've always wondered what it would be like to be in the women's washroom.

After unsuccessfully locating a clean toilet anywhere. I really started wondering whether I should just use the women's washroom. It's a friday, and it's late in the afternoon, no one would notice. It took me 10 seconds to decide this. I headed back to the washrooms closest to my classroom. Peering around corners to make sure no one was around. I entered the washroom like I was about to rob a bank. I walked in pretending I was just there to make an innocent deposit. Luckily for me no one was in there. That was when my bubble was somewhat deflated. There was no glow (thank god cuz I forgot my sunglasses). The toilet did look pretty clean but not quite glimmering like new porcelain. There was 3 toilet however!! I suppose since they didn't have any use for urinals they added a few extra toilets. The first one I checked had no poop in it!

I sat down and went about my business with almost an unnatural calm. Even if someone had entered I would be in the safety of my stall. My fortress of solitude! However my calm turned into panic when I remembered that my school had cameras everywhere. I'm in the technology building on campus where they keep millions of dollars worth of equipment. They have security tighter than the pentagon here! After realizing this I did my business as quickly as I possibly could. The toilet paper wasn't 10-ply. Utter disappointment. I quickly wiped my ass and headed towards the door. The toilets are automatic at my school so as soon as you're done they flush. I imagine that they have some sort of sensor that detects the rustling sound of pants being pulled up. The toilet didn't flush this time. I was like, "What the f!#@?". Realizing that I was contributing to my own hatred of public washrooms (I also didn't want to leave any evidence) I was terribly distraught but under the predicament that I was in, being in the women's washroom, I really had no time to sit and consider my other options. Besides, I couldn't be held accountable. I left as fast as I could. Wash my hands? That would be too risky. I headed straight out without even wondering if anyone was out there. Again I was lucky, no one was around. I quickly entered the men's washroom and washed my hands. Before I did however I then noticed a sign on the door. "WASHROOMS WILL BE UNAVAILABLE AUGUST 9TH. THEY WILL BE SERVICED AND TOILETS WILL NOT FLUSH." Wondering why I didn't notice that sign before and surprised that they didn't lock the washrooms I felt like such a moron. I was also actually quite surprised I was even able to find a toilet in the building so clean. Maybe there is something magical about women's washrooms and maybe there IS a magical waterfall that takes women's waste to poo-poo heaven.